Midnight express.

“With you people it’s always ‘Out with the old, in with the new!’ You realize what goes into making a can of pineapple? The fruit is grown, harvested, sliced- and you just throw it away! How do you think the pineapple feels?” -Chungking Express (1994)

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Manufactured peace.

More and more as time goes by the novel Kafka on the Shore seems like such a fitting book for me to read. Being schizoaffective, I am not sure if I hear a voice or not- so I am able to relate to Kafka with Crow. The things Crow says to Kafka also slightly mirrors what I hear/think. I may have made a big mistake today, so the voice is strong again. I wish it wasn’t this way. If I was able to communicate what is going on in my mind, today would have gone much smoother. It happens. People make mistakes. But sometimes others make mistakes that ruin relationships. Perhaps I made a mistake of that caliber today. But I am beginning not to care. And to think it all started when I was falling for someone. For someone who is sweet and kind, amazing, and able to understand me, stands by me. 

I don’t want to have a superficial relationship with anybody. I want to have a healthy relationship with my sister and father, but everything can’t just be forgotten. I want to work out the issues, so they don’t happen again. Isn’t that what everybody should want? 

I just really need to start being able to express my thoughts. Fingers crossed on it being soon- because I am tired of misunderstandings and miscommunication. 

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I’ve finished Kafka on the Shore…

After finishing Kafka on the Shore, I feel slightly more confident about expressing myself. After reading the Goethe quote about how “everything’s a metaphor”, I realized I also said something along those lines while talking to Brandon. Of course Goethe and Murakami said it much better than I could, it was the same idea. Reading this novel helped me realize I under estimate myself too much. Too much being an under statement. I think starting the book in the hospital helped me understand it and appreciate it. In the hospital allowed much time to think about… well… anything there was to think about. I thought about my future (marrying Brandon, going to university/college), past (last month being in a different hospital), loved ones (mainly Brandon and mother/father), politics (GOP :( vs. Obama), Korea (the starving escaping refugees that almost no one knows about outside of Korea), cats (the calender rip outs of cats “hanging in there”) , dogs (therapy dog stealing the last comfortable chair), and almost everything else under the moon*. *I usually have dark thoughts, so I thought moon was more appropriate than sun. I want eloquent. I want to be able to get my point across. It takes practise, though.

I also need people to start seeing me as a mature adult. I am no longer the little sister that runs around saying weird things nor am I just a weird alien kid that might be a lesbian. I am Rebecca. I love Asian related things especially cinema. My favorite director is Wong Kar Wai, and of his films my favourite is Chungking Express (1994). I first started to get into Asian culture through Korea. My passion is refugee work (mainly North Korean deflectors). As to how I am going to pursue this passion, I am not sure. I plan on majoring in Chinese and minoring in linguistics at NC State.  I am a person with my own thoughts, and I would like that to be respected. If you can not respect me, then I don’t want you in my life. I am a frank person and I don’t like nor buy into appeasement.

I have matured over the past few months. I know I still have much to learn, but I still know quite a bit compared to the average Joe (people who conform to this horrid, stupid society).

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“Being bright has nothing to do with it. What matters is that you see things with your own eyes.” -Kafka on the Shore

While I was reading Kafka on the Shore a few days ago, I realized how much it was like Wong Kar-wai’s films. How he ties in the characters and the dialogue. This just made me really happy because I have so much more to learn, and the more I learn the more I appreciate things. Taking things for granted is something I do all too often. I’m only now just learning how to appreciate things, and that is so frustating. I wish I would have known about this earlier, but I reckon that is all apart of maturing. No matter what all the adults in your childhood tell you, it goes over your head. It’s not until it’s too late that you realize they were right the whole time. Having this realization makes me angry. Why couldn’t I wise up sooner? I reckon I’m just now starting to grow up. I’m only now starting to grow into who I am. 

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If a pistol appears in the story, eventually it’s got to be fired.
— Anton Chekhov 
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Picture a bird perched on a thin branch. The branch sways in the wind, and each time this happens the bird’s field of vision shifts… When that happens, how do you think the bird adjusts? It bob sits head up and down, making up for the sway of the branch. Take a good look at birds the next time it’s windy… Don’t you think that kind of life would be tiring? Always shifting your head every time the branch you’re on sways?… Birds are use to it. It comes naturally to them. They don’t have to think about it, they just do it. So it’s not as tiring as we imagine. But I’m a human being, not a bird, so sometimes it does get tiring.
— Kafka on the Shore 
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…But what disgusts me even more are people who have no imagination. The kind T.S. Eliot calls hollow men. People who fill up that lack of imagination with heartless bits of straw, not even aware of what they’re doing. Callous people who throw a lot of empty words at you, trying to force you to do what you don’t want to… When I am with them I just can’t bear it, and wind up saying things I shouldn’t… Narrow minds devoid of imagination. Intolerance theories cut off from reality, empty terminology, usurped ideals, inflexible systems. Those are the things that really frighten me. What I absolutely fear and loathe. Of course it’s important to know what’s right and what’s wrong. Individual errors in judgement can really be corrected. As long as you have the courage to admit mistakes, things can be turned around. But intolerant, narrow minds with no imagination are like parasites that transform the host, change form, and continue to thrive. They’re a lost cause, and I don’t want anyone like that coming in here.
— Kafka on the Shore
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You can’t look too far ahead. Do that and you’ll lose sight of what you’re doing and stumble. I’m not saying you should focus solely on details right in front of you, mind you. You’ve got to look ahead a bit or else you’ll bump into something. You’ve got to follow the proper order and at the same time keep an eye out for what’s ahead. That’s critical, no matter what you’re doing.
— Kafka on the Shore  
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“Everything’s a metaphor.” -Goethe

Reading Kafka on the Shore. 

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